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Sunday, April 26, 2009

Cry

i just shared everything with my aunt . she just asked me about it out of sudden . was hoping to share about it with her since the very first day . but , i just couldnt find the time to share it with her . and when i shared it with her , she got emotional . so am i . haishh . only she understands me .. lucky she's there to lend me listening ears . i feel great having those who can understands me . especially the ones whom i love . she support me as she understands what i really feel . thanks for understanding me , aunt ..

Blogged @ 9:08 PM
Don't let me go -

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I need a shoulder to cry on .
where are all the people that I need ?

Blogged @ 10:42 PM
Don't let me go -

No!

no way . i cant lose you . i love you . please dont go away . im sorry that im like this . i know , it seems that im selfish . im sorry . i cant lose you . please dont walk away . what am i going to be without you ? the moment you said that , tears brimming . dont say that you're leaving me . it hurts .

Blogged @ 10:31 PM
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not me.

upset with myself . i know that i have been acting cold towards you . i dont know why im like this . maybe , what you said is right . im different .

dear , listen . im sorry for my cold attitute towards you . i just dont know why im like this . i feel nothing . absolutely nothing . when you asked me , will we ever be the same , all i answered was , i dont know . im sorry . but i just feel that we can never get the old times back . im sorry . i know this hurts . but that is what i feel .

azrinah said that i fall sick about this . haish . frankly , it took me just a few minutes to fall sick after it happened . when you said that , i could feel a strong pain in my head . everytime i think about it , my head just got worst . she said that when im in school too , all i did was to day dream . haish . everything has gone wrong !

i hate myself ! i hate everything ! i wanna let out everything ! i wanna cry my whole heart out !

Blogged @ 9:58 PM
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Friday, April 24, 2009

disappointed

im disappointed in myself . yesterday , i have my chemistry class test . and great . i dint even remembered it . i did check my organizer . but dont know how , my mind was not thinking about anything . just a blank mind . but feel as though there's alot of problems going through in my mind . during the test , i could feel tears brimming . i thought of just tearing the test paper into billions of pieces . but i didnt . i just did anyhow . then , just now too , i forgotten again that i have physics test . thus , i didnt study for it . haish . i wonder where my mind was for these few days . and just now , i did my physics . and i complete it around 15 mins . then , i put my head down and sleep . didnt even bother to check already . i lost hope in the test already . and the same thing , i did anyhow again . just dont know where my mind has lost to . what is occupying my mind . haishh .

Blogged @ 7:56 PM
Don't let me go -

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Letting It Go

i understand . you dont want me to befriends with him . i understand very well . now that i have leave him , why u still keep on blaming yourself . you are not a villian . i know how you feel . im sorry that my entry hurt your feelings . i just feel like letting it all out . that is what i feel . i have let it go everything . and now , its over . please , stop blaming yourself . its my fault too . if i werent too close with him , this wouldnt have happen . and you wouldnt have think of anything else . now , i am no longer contacting him . i didnt wish for us to quarrel again . im tired of all this nonsense . in sorry if my words are too harsh . im sorry too that everything is like this . im always the source of this problems . i told you that its over and yet , you are still blaming yourself . hm . everything have changed . totally changed . absolutely changed .

Blogged @ 9:30 PM
Don't let me go -

One After Another

i never wanted this to happen . but what can i do when everything has happened . i just cant accept the fact that it is happening . in fact , it has happened . and its over . tell me .. what else should i do . one after another . im losing everyone as time passes by . tell me .. why on earth is this happening to me . i have had enough . its hard for me . really hard . i feel like its better that i dont know anyone on this earth . i feel as though i have to leave every one of you . i have to leave you when you are my bestfriend . how can i afford to lost my friends . to be frank , i dont want to lose my bestfriend . and he is my bestfriend . or should i say , he was my bestfriend . i just cant accept that i have to do this decision . whatever it is , the decision has been made . and that's it . i wonder who else should i lose as time passes by .

Unwanted Attention

today , i received alot of unwanted attention . my teachers went to complain to my form teacher about my conduct in class . they said that i didnt pay attention during lessons and that i am always lost in my own thoughts . haish . then , just now after math , my form teacher talked to me . she asked if im feeling well or not . then she said that i have not been paying attention in class and that i am always dreaming . haishh . just now , during her lesson , she called me twice and told me to stop dreaming . then some of my friends said that i am sick . but she gave no heed . then , somehow i just cried . have been crying out of pain since yesterday night . even when walking to school , i cried . i dont know what has gone wrong with me . thanks athirah was there with me when walking to school . thanks to azrinah too for trying to keep me cheer up . thanks to every of my dearest friends . and frankly , i cried for almost every lesson in school . i lost my appetite and my mood . people around me keep on saying that i am emo . but i didnt give a shit . if not , i will talk back to them and say that i am not an emo . but i didnt . i just gave them a fake smile instead . but everytime i smile , i will end up crying . seriously , i am totally not myself today .

NAPFA

despite of my head that is killing me, i went for my NAPFA test . i have phobia for standing broad jump . and great . i ate totally nothing and went for my NAPFA . after i did the standing broad jump , my head was spinning . the pain got worst . and my stomach cramp . the same thing happened last year , happened again . but this time round , i can still walk . last year , i was crying my heart out and i cant even walk an inch . then , my head got worst after shuttle run . and when azrinah want to help me stand , i couldnt stand and i lie down instead . its a long day for us . but there's no impact on me . i didnt feel the tense of the long day tiredness . i feel nothing . totally nothing .

this has a deep meaning .

kehilangan seorang teman sepertimu ,

akan meninggalkan impak yang besar bagi diriku.

tetapi segala kenangan bersamamu ,

akan selalu kusimpan di dalam hati ,

senyumanmu akan selalu bermain di fikiranku

dan ia akan membuatku gembira.

kuharap kau akan turut rasa gembira

kerna jika kau bersedih

aku akan rasa seperti aku kehilangan seorang teman baik .

aku berdoa agar kau bahagia dengannya .

sampai di sini sahaja persahabatan kita .

Selamat Tinggal Teman Baikku .

from : my bestfriend .

p.s : im just letting it go .

Blogged @ 4:40 PM
Don't let me go -

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Trust Me

im telling you , we're just friends . not more than that . i didnt mind him calling me that as i only regard everything as a close friend . that's all . nothing more . trust me . i want you to get rid of that thoughts in your mind . please . dont you think that i regard the both of you have the same importance in my life . you mean more than him . he's just a close friend of mine . how else should i say it to you ? i know , that you felt disheartened when you saw that message in my phone . im sorry . i didnt know that he's gonna say that . and yarh , during that time i do miss him . but that was just as a friend . i dont think that its wrong to miss a friend . and about the other thing that he said . he said that . but i didnt make it happen . coz i know that if that really happens , you will be hurt .

now again . you are telling me to choose either one . i cant answer that question of yours . im sorry . its hard for me to choose . i treasure my friends so much . as well as i treasure you . but please , dont hope for an answer to that question of yours .

Blogged @ 7:57 PM
Don't let me go -

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Physics (:

haha. im having physics right now . boredd. haha . so im surfing the net instead of studying . haha . gerek ! hahs . this supp ends at 4 pm .. hee . im missing him lots . just now , i actually cried and laughed at the same time . thanks to the guys . amin especially . anw , im doing fine alr .. its okayy . i dont take it to heart kayy . hm .. im blank .

Three words .

I Miss You .

Blogged @ 3:42 PM
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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Only have Three word to Say .

I Miss Cheerleading . (:

Blogged @ 6:39 PM
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Monday, April 13, 2009

Pastamania !

on sunday , i went to Pastamania with my aunt and my younger sister. we went there for lunch . hee ~ i ate Unagi Pasta . its delicious ! and expensive too . hahs . but its worth of it . haha . tasted the Creamy Chicken and Prawn Aglio . i also ate the garlic bread and two piece of chicken . and damn . im very full . hahs . i didnt eat for my breakfast and dinner on sunday . hahs . my lunch is enough for me to survive for the whole day . haha .

Saturday

on saturday , i went to meet Nazirul for awhile . then , he gave me a rose . hee ~ i love the colour of the rose . its damn red . hehs . and then , i went to Cairnhill CC to take the Chingay tee and the allowance for Chingay 09 . hee ~
headed straight home . ate my dinner . and then im gone to my dreamland . wee ~

Cravings !

ohh gosh . im craving for more chocolates again ! hee ~
i feel like going to Shin Tokyo to eat Sushi .. i miss going there . hee ~
i feel like its been a long time since i ate sushi ..
SUSHI ! CHOCOLATE ! SUSHI ! CHOCOLATE !
wee ~~

crazy

for a moment , i thought , i was too stressed that its driving me crazy . coz when i woke up , my aunt told me to go to the kitchen to take for her a rag . so i just get out of my bed and headed to the kitchen . then i saw a rat ! and so , i shouted . then my aunt was denying it . she said that its impossible that there's a rat at our house as its at thirteenth floor . and she also said that i just woke up and so that i could be dreaming . so , i just kept quiet and my mind was thinking , " what has happened to me ? why am i imagining things ? have i gone crazy ? "
then , not long later , my aunt told me to find for her the feather duster . so i went to search for it high and low . and right infront of my eyes , i saw rat ! and SHOUTED like hell ! and only then , my aunt know that what i saw is true and its not my illusion . and there goes everyone in the house .. Chaotic . everyone jumped to the sofa . and my Super Grandmother ran around the house to catch that rat . i dont know where the hell did that rat came from . my mom told me that when she wanted to go to the market , she saw that rat at level twelve . and i guess it must have gone into the house through the poles between the house gate .. and then , we need to clean the house again . i regretted not taking video when my grandmother is catching it and she also non stop scolding us for jumping on her sofa . hee ~

Blogged @ 11:14 PM
Don't let me go -

Friday, April 10, 2009

falling sick

haish . now , my head is really heavy . i feel like i am going to be sick soon . feel like vomitting . i guess , my mind is too stressed out . ouhh god . i dont want to be sick . but seriously right now , i am really feeling sick . im feeling weak and really restless . what should i do ? haish . i want to rest , but i just cant . i am really restless . im too tired , i guess . haish . i feel as though i could faint anytime . oh my god .

Blogged @ 10:42 PM
Don't let me go -

will everything be the same ?

this is the question that you kept asking yesterday . frankly , i dont think everything will ever be the same . i know that you are giving me the time of the whole of your life for me to cool down . but still , till now , i am thinking , will we ever be the same as we used to ? i hate saying it . but im still unsure of the answer . i always thought that we will always get to be together without any change of anything . but what has happened now ? i have a strong feeling that those types of moments that we have spent together wont come back . frankly , now just talking to you , i feel so different . sad to say , im still unsure who to believe .im sorry that my trust for you isnt that strong . im sorry that i dont know who to believe . im sorry for everything that is not the same anymore .but whatever it is , im trying to bring back all those moments . im trying my best to be the same . im trying my best to trust you again .i need you to know , i really need you by my side right now .i really need you to be with me .i need you to help me pull through .we have always managed to pull through every obstacles .and now , we need to get out of this obstacle . I NEED YOU !

Blogged @ 7:18 PM
Don't let me go -

not myself .

haish . im trying my best to forget whatever things that i have heard about you . but frankly , i find it hard to get it out of my head . the bad thing was that i got to know about it when i was mad at you . so , the anger just become worst . but now , since you have explained to me everything , i trust you .
but , to let you know , the trust and love that i had for you now has deteriorate . forgive me .
i guess , i am not that strong to go through all this .
you have to win everything back .
as i told you , i cant deny that the love meter has gone down . but i cant help it .
whatever it is , right now , i am not in the right state of mind to rate my love for you .
for what i know is that , im just lost in dont know where in the world i am .
im lost . i feel as though i have no feelings . i feel as though i have no life to live .
i couldnt concentrate on anything .

Blogged @ 1:40 AM
Don't let me go -

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Forgive me .

you know , when i met you just now , i was trying my best not to be like that . but i was totally out of control . my emotions took control of my body . i thought that i could control my emotions . but it turns out that i am unable to do so . when u asked for forgiveness , all i did was just keeping quiet . but deep in my heart , i was talking everything out . i was expressing everything out . i answered all your questions in my heart . i tried to say it out . but my lips are sealed close together . when u fall on your knees to beg for forgiveness and for me to tell you what is the problem , i wanted to cry . i didnt expect you to do that . but then , i still stay silent . i feel myself like a stone . but when you just left me , all i did was to cry my whole heart out . and that was why i told him to call me . i need someone to calm me down . when i wanted to go home , i saw u . i thought of going to you . i need you . and i really need a hug when you eventually left me there . tears just kept rolling down my cheeks . and eventually , i went home with tears rolling down . i tried my best to not cry . but what else can i do .. i was helpless . i thought of not going home , but i know , if i not at home yet , my mom and all will be worried . i thought of running away from all these tears , but what can i do ? i cant take it anymore just now . tt was also why i kept silence . i kept silence was also because tt i am trying my best to control myself . but it ended up worst . forgive me for being like that . im not in the right state of mind then . and about the msg that i sent to saidon , i said all that in the fit of anger . im sorry . i really didnt mean tt . I still LOVE YOU .

Blogged @ 11:26 PM
Don't let me go -

Reply

its already in me . what else can i do ? i tried my best to change . but i cant . whatever it is , right now , i want to know the truth . the truth about what i have just got to find out . i want to know why u said all that . why did you do this to me . frankly , when u said sorry , i already forgive you . but when i got to know something else about you , the anger just came back to me . i dont know how the hell i want to ask you . but yet , i still want to know the truth . i want to know if what she said is the truth . i know during that time , we are not in the good state . but why must you say different thing to her ? when i got to know about it , i was like saying to myself , "should i believe her or you ?"
till now , im still clueless about the truth . at first , i dont want to believe her . but when she gave me the evidence , i cant help but to believe her .
and one more thing , how should i tell you about him when whenever i say his name , your mood just changes . and the great thing was that you even raised your voice while im at there , dont know what the hell wrong did i do . i know its irritating of me saying that always . but what could i do , i was trying hard to hide everything . every of my feelings . that's all for now .

Blogged @ 3:15 PM
Don't let me go -

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sorry ?

sorry again ? i dont know why , as days pass by , i just hate the word "sorry" . im tired of hearing those words . you know , sometimes i was like thinking , " how long can i be this strong and continue my life ? "
i always thought that everything will move smoothly . but what happened now ?
i have had enough . i just cant take it anymore . in my eyes , you have changed . you are not the one that i have known . to me , you are no more an understanding person ..
when you just hung up like that , i could feel as if a needle just pierced through my heart . and suddenly , i just lose control of myself . i just feel like throwing away the phone that is on my hand . however , all i did was cry . its my only solution . i dont know how much of tears i have shed just over all that is happening .
my mind is occupied with lots of things . Family , School , Friends , Love .
i feel like quiting everything that i have been doing .
i was in need of someone when u just hung up on me . but who could i turn to ? eizzam is the only person that i have been sharing my probs with . but right now , he needs me instead . so ,how can i share abt this with him .. luckily, saidon was there ..
haish . i just cant move on anymore ..

Blogged @ 7:15 PM
Don't let me go -

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

i need to be alone ! just leave me alone !
i need time to my own !
i hate all this that is happening !
i hate my this fucking life !
everything i do is wrong . nothing is right .
you know , my heart feel like shouting the hell out of everything .
i am not strong enough to handle all this fucking shit .
i have enough of it .
im sick of all this fucking bullshit !
just feel like getting out of my fucking hell life !

Blogged @ 11:15 PM
Don't let me go -

Its Enough !

its enough . i dont need more . how i wish that all of this could end in an instant . i tried my best . but i failed . i hate being like this . problems everywhere . whatever it is , i will always put aside all my problems for the sake of my friends . i know , right now , there's a friend of mine that is really in need of me . and here i am , to listen to your problems . you have helped me alot , thus , now its my turn to return your deeds .
hm . i hate being controlled . i have had enough . and i dont need more . please . end all this . i hate being like this . im just so stressed out right now . everyday , i went to school , i feel so restless . i couldnt sit still . nor could i stand still . im just so restless . i need a break . i want to clear my mind . i need to sort everything out . im so stressed out .
all i want to do right now is to cry my whole heart out . i want to shout out loud . i thought after all the busy and tight schedule , i will not be this stress . now , i feel that there's alot of things that i need to handle . and im really in need of someone right now . i tried my best to not be like this . but i cant . i want to cry my whole heart out !
sometimes , i do feel like doing some stupid things just to get rid of everything . but i know , its not the right thing to do . and thus , i didnt .
how i wish that i could just be someone who is free from all this stupid problems . how i wish i was strong enough to pull through each an every problem . how i wish that my mind is clear . how i wish that i could live peacefully . how i wish ..
i have made up my mind . if i really cant handle my problems and get my mind back on track , i will put aside everything . i will have to force myself to pull through and prioritise things . and i will switch off my handphones during weekdays . i want no disturbance !

Blogged @ 9:23 PM
Don't let me go -

Friday, April 3, 2009

Sports day !

Just now was great ! hahs . APACHE WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP ! im proud of everyone . Cheerleaders , we did our best and now , its over .. we won the second place and its satisfying as we did everything last minute . and thanks girls and guys .. hahs . i really enjoyed myself just now eventhough i sprained my ankle .

Sprained ankle

shit uhh . i sprained my ankle just now .. haishh .. all thanks to cheerleading . my feet landed side ways instead of flat at the ground . shit . luckily , Kawi was beside me and i just grab his hand . then all the guys came to lend a hand . And so , Zul carried me to the side as i really cant walk anymore . thought that it was okayy after i rest . but then when im walking home , my ankle got worst . and my knee is hurting like hell ! thus , i am not able to go for my malay dance practise ! Wth . i want to go for my practise badly .. haishh . now im at home , but my mind is thinking about malay dance . ohh goshh . i feel like going to malay dance . i shall see how , if i still cant sit still at home , then i will go for my malay dance no matter what . hee . im restless at home .

Blogged @ 2:50 PM
Don't let me go -