i tried my best to get everything right. but slowly again, i feel that it's much further when it's already near to me. tears rolling down my cheeks everytime i'm reminded of it. will it ever be the same? now.. i feel that nothing can be the same. even if i try and try till i cant do anything. all i want to do is cry and cry till there's no more tears in my eyes. i miss the past. i miss us. i miss everything. but everything just doesn't seem that it's going to come back into my life.

i know you're mad with me. i know you may think that i'm still fooling around and not serious about it. but you never know how much and how badly it means to me in every way. i keep all my days with a smile on with all the memories in my mind to keep me be happy. it makes me alive. without it, i dont think i will be able to get all that i have achieve right now. you're my strength. you're the only one which brings me light in my life. i know, i have hurt you alot. and that i have done doesnt shows you how much you meant for me. i know all that. but how else do i show you that everything is not a farce?

whenever things are getting better, there will always be something that will make either of us unsatisfied and end up like this. for today example, i dont know why you have no mood, i tried to talk. the more i tried, the more i wanna cry. i want you to talk. yet, you just kept silence. and when i asked you if you're tired, again you said that i have got a replacement to talk to. you arent trusting me dont you. that trust will never be there again no matter what i do. why ? cause you yourself dont know how you can trust me again. fine. dont trust me. Dont ever trust someone like me who have hurt you in every way. cause no matter how much i do, you wont trust me. trust what your heart says. if your heart says that i am not serious and i am just fooling around, then just trust yourself. but me, myself. i know what i really need and want. i know.. i need you. but it doesnt look like i will get you back. even if i cry till there's no tears left, i will not get you back. dont waste your time telling me your answer. i know that you will never be mine again.

over the phone, i tried to talk. i tried to cheer you up. but nothing works. i tried my best till i cant do anything more. i tried to talk as per normal eventhough i'm actually crying. i tried to listen to you even though it's hard for me. but i'm trying. i am trying. i want you to rest, but you got me wrong. you, listen. since the day i said i truly know that it's what i want and really sure of what my heart says, i have never have any other one there for me besides you. i cut off all my connections with the ones that you dislike. i try to change. but it cant be seen to you. why ? cause you already dont believe in me. just tell me straight to my face that you dont want me anymore. i will stop disturbing you. just tell me straight to my face. dont care of my feelings. just hurt me. just do anything to satisfy yourself.

just one thing.. i know i love you. i know i need you. i know that i want you and no one else. i know i sound like a desperate. but this is what i really want. this is what my heart keeps on saying. this is what my mind says. this is just simply what i have been finding for. with you in my life, everything lit up. even when you're gone that moment, the smile is still there, not because of anyone else. but because of you. i always think of the good times we have had. all of that made me to keep on going. ask all my friends, what i said to them about us. to some even, i cried when i recall back all those memories. but yet, there's a smile on my face. why ? cause all of that are such a beautiful moment for us. i share with them all the things that i went through with you. and in my mind, and heart,i know that it's what makes me to be assure that i am doing and making my right decision. the decision that i really want. but it doesnt not only depends on me. it depends on you. the final decision is in your hands. its yourself. not me.

but it doesnt mean that i am giving up. just remember that. i love you. and i still do. i need you.

Blogged @ 2:06 AM
Don't let me go -

i'm upset. i'm down. i'm feeling like crying, again. haish. i'm feeling so fatigue. my hand are shivering. i don't know why. i'm worn out.

now i'm being random. i'm going to write about what i ate today. (:

breakfast: 4 slice of bread
lunch: 1 chicken ham with cheese pancake
dinner: 3 samosa

i want to eat. but no appetite. haish. i thought of eating outside. but i guess i can just forget about it.

Blogged @ 7:39 PM
Don't let me go -

yesterday was a real bad day for me. i thought, you will make my day. but i guess, my hopes are too high that i ended my day in tears. why are my day always like that..why are things this way? at school, i feel that i'm being put aside by one of my classmates. did she do it on purpose? fuck la sia. if you're so inferior that i'm doing well or something, just say to me la sia! dont need to put me aside like this. i feel that you're such a spoilt brat. fuck off la sia!

Nana, i tried my best. but it seems that nothing helps. what else should i do? Dont accept me when you dont trust me. Might as well just leave me right? i want the best out of everything. i want to start anew. but it looks like nothing can be the same. i guess, i am just the one who wants this. NOT YOU. should i take a step back again? how i wish i never know him. how i wish everything wasnt like this. but what can i do to turn back the time.

i am not myself this few days. i've lost my mood. i look very tired as though i didnt sleep the whole night. i lost interest in my passion. i lost interest in studying. i dont feel like studying anymore. i feel like putting down everything that i have. and take up everything that i have left in the past back to my life and just destroy myself. who cares? even my mom doesnt understand me. she never know how hard i have been studying. all she thinks is that i'm fooling around. how sad can my life be? i have no encouragement from family nor any one. people are all being so unfair to me that i am feeling that i'm solely by myself. i'm so fucked up in life. yesterday, i was suppose to reach home at 1130pm. yet, i dont feel like going home. and i stayed by myself, thinking deeply which ended me in full of tears. and i reached home at 12am instead. if not for my mom, i wouldnt have gone home. i dont want to spend my time at home. i want to only go back, refresh myself, and sleep. my appetite have also gone. my mood is gone. my smile and laughter is gone. everything that's in me is gone. i think, it will never be back. i feel like running. run till i get exhausted and strain myself. i guess, this was the reason of why i keep on ensuring that my day is always busy and never let me have a chance to rest even for a while. and i think, that is why i have looked exhausted everyday.
Blogged @ 8:06 AM
Don't let me go -

Is worried about Nana. Haish. Nana, get well soon aye. (:

Hm.. I dont know what to write. but somehow.. I feel that sometimes people are just getting on my nerves. My patience is not there already. Sorry girls. I guess, only my Miss understands me. Right Miss? (:

let's talk about what i have eaten since yesterday. which i dont think i eat alot as i always do.

yesterday-
breakfast: 2 slice of bread and 2 pieces of nugget.
lunch: fried rice and strawberry fruit juice.
dinner: half portion of fried bihun and 1 ayam percik.

today-
breakfast: 2 slice of bread and 2 pieces of sausage spring roll.
lunch: fried noodle and 4 pieces of nugget.
dinner: half portion of Ramly Burger and half portion of Vadai.

Are these alot? hm.. i'm just not feeling myself.

Nana, i need to let out everything.. ):
Blogged @ 8:34 PM
Don't let me go -

I miss Nana. ):

its been three days i have not contact him.. he's off for field camp. and which is why i didnt get to contact him. SOB. i have nothing much to talk about my days. monday was just a normal kind of day. late for SW for a few minutes. haha. less than 5 minutes, i think. then i got a sentence for monday's day was SHE'S A GIANT. tuesday was okay. and i'm early for lesson (: woke up, looked at the phone, and i think of Nana. and i'll think of what he reminded me. EAT, SLEEP AND STUDY. and today, i went to library alone to study. i dont know why today i just dont feel like i'm myself. its like i got irritated in POA lesson and people keep on coming to me and said i'm clever. thanks for your compliments. but i'm sorry for ignoring and giving all of you an irritated face instead of saying thanks or something. end school early. thought of going for a run, but at last, i didnt as its already late after waiting for tiffany and yillis.. then, we all decided to not run. thus, i went to study at library instead of home. while walking, i really feel myself being so different.. haish. i really dont know what's happening to me today.

I just know, I miss Nana..

Blogged @ 9:00 PM
Don't let me go -

things are going right.. but just one thing makes me to be down. it seems like none of your friends agreed to what you're doing. why is it that way? should i really disappear in your life? should there not be another chance? i'm sorry that i acted that way yesterday. it's just that the way your friend asked you about me really have a great impact on me. it was like something just fell and hit me hard on my mind. my mind was a total block. i know that they have seen u suffering in pain when i have hurt you. but i'm really sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you. seriously, everyone doesnt seem to like me being back with you again. what else should i do? i hate to have this bloody freaking feeling. but i cant help it. i feel like crying my whole heart out. i want to know, what else should i do?

when things were about to be okay, there must be someone to bring it back down. and i'll be there, thinking deeply and is always upset with myself.

Nana, help me.. What else should I do? Am I doing the right thing? Am I hurting you more? Give me an answer.. I need an answer..
Blogged @ 11:45 AM
Don't let me go -

I miss you, Nana. I'm trying my best to make things right. I know I truly love you. I know what and who I want. I want you. Not because of anything else. But because you're the one that I truly love. I'm sorry for my stupid mistake. I should have think before I say anything. I didn't mean all the words that I've said to you. It was just merely words. I still love you as much during that time. I really do. Now, I could sense that we are getting better.. But still, I know deep down in your heart, you're still hurt. I'll try my best to get everything right Nana. I'll put in effort to do it. I don't want you to think I'm half-hearted with you. If I am half-hearted with you, I wouldn't have shed all my tears that whole night. I wouldn't even text you nor talked to you for so long. I would have get irritated by you, but I'm not. Trust me. My love for you is true. Among all those who I'd love, you are the one who really makes me love you so much. Now, the thought of losing you and the thought that I've made you hurt, brings tears in my eyes. You don't deserve the pain. You've been good to me. You don't deserve that. I'm truly sorry. You're there when I'm down to bring me up to my feet again. But I've hurt you deeply. I'm sorry. Even after all the pain that I've caused you, you're still there to bring me up when I fall. Thanks Nana.. All I want now is for us to get together again. And be fine. And continue our broken relationship and start anew. I miss you, Nana..

Blogged @ 10:44 AM
Don't let me go -

i met him on Saturday. went to fetch him.. i was afraid to meet him. yet, all those words that he said to me made me felt better. and slowly i'm starting to be okay with him. but.. i'm still left here.. clueless. even he said that, i feel that it's just me by myself. i still doesn't have him with me.. i'm upset to think of it. maybe i shouldn't even be like this. maybe.. it will take some time.. but i just hope that he knows how much this is affecting my mind right now.. it's really killing me already. and i'm slowly losing my focus in my studies AGAIN. i thought i was fine and able to be okay. but i guess it's only for a moment of time.

you, if you think that you cant. just tell me. i want to know how we really are. stop making me confused. i know i sound selfish in here. but i really can't take it being clueless like this.. what else should i do? you told me to prove it to you. i've tried my best. i've told you about why i can't do it. haish. it's okay if you don't want it. i will just be fine. right now.. all i can say is that.. all your questions are giving me more question marks in my mind..

i need you. i want you back. but you're there.. giving me hopes which i dont know if it's real. i need your answer. but i still didnt get any. what should i do? bang my head on the wall? hurt myself? make you happy? what? i know i've hurt you alot by what i've done to leave you. i know i've hurt you by saying that i've fallen for another guy. but everything was just merely words. nothing else. now i'm no longer in contact with him. yet, i feel that you still think i'm hoping for him. what else should i do to make everything right? i'm stressed!
Blogged @ 11:52 PM
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Blogged @ 11:11 AM
Don't let me go -

i have found my other half again. but its still incomplete. i am happy. but on the other hand, i'm feeling down. i'm happy as everything seems to become much better between us.. and i'm down as i somehow feel that there will be something that will make me feel ackward when i'm with him. i've hurt him too much. yet, he's still there. i'm afraid that i would hurt him again. right now, i just hope that i do no more mistakes to hurt him.. i'm trying my best, Nana. i try to keep to what i say. and i'll try to never hurt you again. you need not to worry about communications. cause truthfully, i'm growing to understand and live with it. i'm sorry for being stupid that time. i'll try my best to earn everything back. just so you know, my love for you have never change. all that i have done was just in a fit of anger. i'm sorry. i love you. and will always do. i promise you. (: now let's move on with our life and hope that nothing like that happened again. i've done what i feel i have to, and i hope that it really helps.
Blogged @ 4:20 PM
Don't let me go -

Blogged @ 1:36 AM
Don't let me go -