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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

even if you sound fine, i know nothing is fine. i dont know how else i should seek for forgiveness.. i could feel that you're really mad at me even if you didnt show it to me.. when you called and told me to relax and enjoy myself.. you sound so calm.. so fine.. but my heart says you're not.. you're still mad at me and you're just doing that to make me stop crying. i know.. even my tears all meant nothing.. i know im not the one who is suppose to let go off the tears.. im the one who hurt you. im the one at fault. so i should not be crying.. i dont deserve any good treatments from you.. i dont deserve a shoulder to cry on. i dont deserve any sympathy. i dont deserve anything that's a bliss. even to enjoy my outing with my friends as you want me to.. i dont deserve all that.. i've hurt you. yet im having fun and laughter out there.. whille you.. trying to calm yourself? everytime i hug you.. all i feel is that i dont deserve to hug you anymore after breaking your heart into pieces.. i dont deserve anything from you.. when i met you.. i was like.. how can i have the cheek to meet you and asked you to be like normal? when im on my way to meet you.. all that was playing in my mind was.. who am i to ask for all that after breaking your heart? what the heck was i doing? and i really feel like im just a *insert word* that doesnt think about your feelings..even when i cry.. i dont expect anything from you.. not even to give me a shoulder to cry on.. but what did i do? i went to you.. like nothing happen and cried. how shameless i am ? how heartless i am? how freaking bitch i am? even to say sorry to you.. my mouth was sealed. coz you said you dont want my apology. how else should i apologise to you? when i called you dear.. you said you have been waiting for me to call you that.. but when i did.. i feel like .. who am i to call you dear after all that have happened? the moment you said that.. tears began to brim in my eyes.. i cant bring myself to call you any words like that.. coz i have the heart to disappoint and break your heart. im really sorry.. haish.. whenever im alone.. no matter how much fun i had before that.. i will end up in tears.. but those tears that flow down my cheeks doesnt deserve a single feeling of sympathy. i just feel so disappointed with myself for what i have done to you.. i just cant bring myself to stop crying or to stop damning myself. i am such a freaking fucking useless heartless person. im sorry but i really cant stop damning myself. i can never forgive myself.. and now i really feel like i want to end everything that im doing right now. i just feel like its better for me to just leave and stop hurting anyone.. stupid things have been running through my mind.. i have disappointed alot of people.. first it was my family.. now you.. who else will be next? sometimes i just wonder when im walking.. why am i born to hurt alot of people? really.. i dont know why these days.. im prone to think negatively.. im thinking.. what if i wonder too much then something bad happened to me? these days, on my way to work.. i have always almost encountered an accident.. it was more that thrice.. now with my unstable state.. what if i cant even hear the horns of the vehicle? i just feel like standing in the middle of the road.. i just feel like giving up in life.. if all i do is to break people's heart.. even if you said you're fine.. nothing is fine for me.. even if my thinking is like this.. im still worried about what may happen during my journey to and back from work.. im just being to prone to getting knocked down. im lost. i really dont know what to do.. i dont know how else to apologise to you.. how i wish i dont love myself. so that i can easily hurt myself everytime i hurt anyone dear to me. life would be so easy for me then. somehow now im thinking.. why didnt my life end when i was six or twelve when death is already near me? i really dont know what im thinking about.. i already dont know what is right and wrong. i have lost my pillar of hope and support. im now shaking without any pillar.. coz i've hurt all my pillar.. i feel that im solely on my own feet to bring myself up. even if you're there.. i dont deserve it.. i really dont deserve it.. coz im such a useless fucking brat. i shall stop loving myself too.. coz i really dont deserve a thing.

Blogged @ 12:05 AM
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