Gone.

where are all the laughter and happiness in our life ? what has happen to us AGAIN ? i tried my best to not bring up that subject . i tried my best to think that nothing has happened between us . but whenever i talk to you on the phone , i feel as though you are mad at me . you have been saying that it is not my fault . but what you have been giving me is showing that it is my fault . you know , these days , every morning , i woke up and read your messages or waking up after dreaming about you , i will end up crying silently . tell me , what am i feeling ? tell me , how am i going to continue my life if i tend to start my day by crying .. i am already losing hope to move on early in the morning . i am wondering will i ever make my family be proud of me when i cannot move on already ? you are the one who helped me to be the best . but now .. i feel as though i have lost my pillar of strength . i am no more motivated . i am losing my strength as the days goes by .. i am losing hope . last time , i used to like being alone .. but right now , i hate being alone .. whenever i am alone , i feel like throwing tantrums . i feel like crying my whole heart out . just like what i did these few days .. whenever i called you , and your attitude is different , it hurts tremendously .. i feel like hanging up on you and let go of all the tears .. i guess this are all what i am supposed to get from you after what i have done all this while . i tried doing everything as per normal , but nothing seems right . you know , i could not understand my feelings that i feel as though i have gone crazy . you know , i miss my little sis a lot . however , when she was beside me . and tired to be lovingly with me , a slap just landed on her cheek . i was irritated with her . haish . i cant control my emotions .. i feel as though that i need to meet a psychiatrist . i hate myself for being like this . about my studies , i feel as though i have no more hope in my studies . i do not know what has gone wrong with me .. things have been hard for me . i feel like ending all that i have been doing . and i hope that those bad things that came to my mind , will not be a solution for me to get rid of all this . i hope that all of that will never come to my mind again . if it really comes back when i am corrupted . then .. hopefully i wont be doing those stupid stuffs . now , i just feel like finding a solution for a peace mind .. i feel like running away from everyone .. spending time on my own by the beach where i can enjoy the blissful wind , the sound of the waves .. and the beautiful scenery .. even if it will create a farce smile on my face , it will still give me some fresh air and a peace mind .. i feel restless these days .. all that i have been doing to make it right just feel that it is all useless .. all my efforts have gone into vains .. i am living in a such fucking time of my life . while this is suppose to be my important year , i feel as though my life has end here .

Mom , im sorry .. maybe , i can never be the one to make you proud of . in fact , i am the one who is going to ruin our lives . i am the useless one whom you cant rely on . im sorry . i guess , my 2nd chance to live is not worth living . i should have just lost my life when i am still an innocent child who does not understand anything .. im sorry , Mom ..
Blogged @ 10:02 PM
Don't let me go -